Fear and Loathing

I finally went to a practice on Sunday. I have been dreading this since the warmer weather started. The fear of acknowledging how out of shape I am, was keeping me from putting on my kit. Looking in the mirror is hard enough without learning how much strength and endurance I've lost as well.

This is a recurring issue I have- avoidance. The avoidance is fed by the negative self image messages I let yammer inside my head. This vicious cycle keeps perpetuating itself until give up hope or quit.

Living as a pessimist means your expectations are usually met. When I was on my birthday trip to California, I picked up a copy of "The Secret" and read it fiercely through in a short two hours. I'm not endorsing this book, or program, but essentially that day the message of positive thinking manifesting positive outcomes really struck a chord.

In spite of endless airport delays that day, I spent the entire day with a glowing smile and was shocked at the happiness reflected back at myself.

So I've resolved to become an optimist. Acknowledging the negative self-talk and pushing it aside with affirmations is new to me, and takes dedication.

The awareness of how much negativism is around me, not only my only crippling self-talk but much of the discussions of my friends and family is exhausted in complaining how awful things are and how nothing can be done.

It's pretty intimidating to simultaneously change my own behaviours and encourage others to a positive frame of mind. I'm trying to spend more time with my friends who have more positive outlooks.

It seems that my self-image is where my negative perception is the stubbornest. Just being aware of how many of the these barely-conscious barbs I attack myself with is eye-opening. I am wielding my ideal body image up as a shield to deflect my self-talk.

So I went to practice on Sunday. And it was fun.